


bittersweet

by irrationalqueer



Series: advent 2020 [21]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:14:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28194534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irrationalqueer/pseuds/irrationalqueer
Summary: It feels bad enough that no matter where he is on Christmas, he’s sacrificing time with someone he loves, but to make that decision and then be stuck in a stupid airport instead just feels like salt in the wound.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: advent 2020 [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2035507
Comments: 14
Kudos: 45
Collections: Phandom Holiday Gift Exchange 2020





	bittersweet

**Author's Note:**

> written as part of the phandom gift exchange for customerservicephan! i hope you enjoy!!!!

Phil stares sadly at the pack of Haribo he’s just paid an ungodly amount for in an attempt to cheer himself up. His flight’s been delayed and now he’s stuck in airport limbo, unable to be with any of the people he loves. There were a ton of people around him an hour ago, but it’s getting quite late and he’s at least able to claim a seat in the corner, staring out the big window into the darkness. It feels bad enough that no matter where he is on Christmas, he’s sacrificing time with someone he loves, but to make that decision and then be stuck in a stupid airport instead just feels like salt in the wound. He’d even delayed leaving by a few days this year, trying so hard to squeeze as much festive spirit out of the holiday as he could. And logically he knows it’s an overreaction, but he feels like it was all for naught. 

He’s already texted his mum and let her know he’ll be later than expected; the flight’s delayed by a couple of hours, but with any luck he’ll still make it to the Isle before she and his dad are asleep. He’s texted Dan, too, but Dan’s already at his own mum’s house, and had sent him a couple of sad faces but nothing since. Phil understands; this Christmas feels like a big deal, more important somehow. Neither of them have seen their families in what feels like forever and that makes this time all the more precious. Dan in particular is trying to throw himself headfirst into his family holiday, and Phil knows it’s because he has some lingering guilt about the way he’d come out - non-confrontational as it was, it had still been uncomfortable, as had the multitude of conversations he’d had afterward. Family is so hard for Dan, but Phil can tell how much it means to him to get a second chance at connecting with them as his true self. Phil’s not going to distract him from that. 

He can’t wait to see his own mum, hug her close and let her ply him with mince pies. He can’t wait to reassure himself that his dad is the same sturdy force he’s always been. He sees them often enough via facetime and zoom, but Phil knows all too well the way that people can look and seem different in person. He’s as excited as he possibly can be to spend the next few days with the people who raised him, some of his absolute favorite people in the world. 

He knows there will be a ton of cakes and biscuits and pies courtesy of his mum, plenty of delicious nonvegan food courtesy of his dad. They always make the vegan stuff for Dan when he’s around, but Phil’s a simple man and he loves the meals he grew up eating even now as an adult. Martyn will bring Cornelia and the baby and they’ll play games and watch their favorite christmas films until it’s late. He’ll spend some time cuddling the newest, smallest person in the family, making sure they remember that Uncle Phil is the one who got them the best dinosaur pajamas and held him the tightest. They’ll all go on long walks together and there will be plenty of opportunity to stare out into the sea and think about how grateful he is to have made it to the end of this year with his family safe and intact. 

It’s just that - well. He wants Dan there. He doesn’t begrudge Dan his time with his family at all; he loves that they’re getting together, loves that Dan has been able to work through enough of his anger and frustration about the past to come together with them like this. He knows Dan was even kind of excited about going home and seeing his mum, excited to be able to talk to his brother about something now that they at least have a dietary choice in common - Dan’s been stricter about the veganism lately, his way of grasping at whatever control he can. Phil understands. Phil read once that people who come out as adults sometimes feel like they’re experiencing adolescence all over again, including all the feelings that come with that, and he thinks that’s probably true for both of them. It’s a process, he thinks, but Dan’s had such a hard time, and Phil’s so proud of where he’s ended up so far. 

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t miss him, though, in a fully ridiculous way he hasn’t felt in forever. He misses him in a way that makes him want to throw all of their careful hesitance to the side and buy the next house they see just so they don’t have to do this ever again. They could just gut it; he’d do whatever Dan wanted, let him renovate whatever he wanted as long as they could finally have that space of their own. They could just - invite everyone over for the holidays, put them in guest bedrooms and ply them with wine and board games and Phil could have all of the people he loves and all of the people those people love in the same room with him on a day that’s supposed to be warm and cozy and full of family. He hasn’t had that in ten years, and he’s loathe to go another without it. 

He has this picture in his mind, like something out of a Christmas movie - his family and Dan’s, all around a big table. A mix of regular and vegan treats, mulled wine and tea in their quirky mugs on the table. Board games, a puzzle maybe, something they can all do together. Dinner - something he and Dan can agree on and manage together. Some kind of pasta, maybe; it’s not like either of them are capable of actually pulling together whatever counts as traditional holiday dinner food, and maybe this is how traditions start anyway. Dan and Phil’s half vegan Christmas pasta spectacular. Maybe they’d watch Christmas movies afterward, in a big lounge with big soft sofas and chairs. A huge tank for all of the fish he’s still convincing Dan they should get to keep Norman company, a big glass wall for them to watch the birds outside. It’s snowing, like a Christmas card, and maybe there’s a dog sleeping on a rug by a fireplace - maybe he manages to get Dan to give up the sad furry pimp blanket so the dog has something soft to lay on. 

He lets himself daydream about it briefly, but when he shakes his head and focuses again he’s still right there in the airport all by himself. His family is still at home and it’s been long enough now that they’re probably asleep, and Dan is still hanging out with his mum or his brother or whatever he’s doing. His phone’s still free of any messages, and he badly wants to pull up a playlist or get lost in some random app game but he’s low on battery and his charger is at the bottom of his bag. So he just sits, picking at his Haribo and sighing. It’s not late enough to be able to coax Dan into a conversation away from his family and he’s not going to try and facetime out here in public anyway, even though he’s managed to find a relatively private spot. Nobody would judge him for talking to someone he loves on the phone, trapped in an airport on Christmas eve, but he can’t turn off the part of his brain that screams danger every time he thinks about it. So he just sits there, and thinks about Dan and his mum and Dan’s nana all in the same place, somewhere other than this fucking airport. 

He’s tired of walking around with only half of his heart just because of geography. It aches, and he’s tired of pretending it doesn’t. He’s not doing this again, he decides, looking up when he hears the announcement that his plane has arrived and will be boarding as soon as possible. He and Dan - they’re forever, he knows it. They’re life partners, soulmates - so incredibly entwined in each other’s lives that it would be impossible to separate them. And so he makes up his mind right then that he’s just done. They’ll bring in the new year together, and he’ll pull Dan close and he’ll tell him his new year’s resolution is to be in their new home in time to host for the holidays. Dan will roll his eyes, but he’ll take Phil seriously - he always takes Phil seriously. And they’ll make it happen.

Phil stands up, gets in line to board, fights back that wild feeling of wanting to turn around and run that he always gets in moments like these. He hands his boarding pass over, smiles absently, makes his way to his seat by the window. He texts his mum that he’s finally on his way and he texts Dan that he loves him. He just gets a heart emoji back - it’s unsurprising; they rarely use the words, unless they’re apart, and even then it’s rare. It feels excessive to speak out loud something that they both know so deeply anyway. But they do love each other and they’re spending their life together, and next year they’re going to spend christmas together. Phil’s going to make sure of it.

**Author's Note:**

> ty keelin and nefeli for reading this over for me <3


End file.
